eternally yours

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JacquelynMarie.: I love you this much!


Do you remember reading this book? My mom would read this to me all the time growing up and I can probably recite it word for word. I loved this book. Little Nutbrown Hare expresses his love for Big Nutbrown Hare and is reassured Big Nutbrown Hare loves him back. He wants to show Big Nutbrown…

Sometimes I just want to start over, ‘cause everything looks like a wreck
And I need the courage to carry on, ‘cause I can’t see what’s ahead
And there are places I’ve wished I could be, battles I’ve wanted to win
Dreams that have slipped through my hands
I may never get back again

But I’m still a dreamer, a believer
Oh, I’ve lost my faith in so many things, but I still believe in You
'Cause You can make anything new

Sometimes I just wish we could say all the things that are easy to hear
Ignore the injustice we see and explain every unanswered prayer
But I’d rather speak honestly and wear a tattered heart on my sleeve
'Cause in the middle of my broken dreams, redemption is here

And I’m still a dreamer, a believer
Oh, I’ve lost my faith in so many things, but I still believe in You
'Cause You are the answer, the redeemer
Oh, I’ve given up on too many things, but I’m not giving up on You
'Cause You can make anything new

I don’t have every answer in life
But I’m trusting You one day at a time
'Cause You can make a weak heart stay alive forever
this is where Heaven and Earth collide
I lift my hands and give my life
This is how my weary heart stays alive

April 29th, 2012

It’s been 3 months, 65 days, spent trying to move on.

Yet more often than I’d like, I still find myself in tears at the thought of you..

When will I stop clinging on to the memories you push out of your mind and choose to forget? 

Why does my peace have to leave me… 

I patiently await the day when all I have is peace and there are no tears left to cry…  The day you can’t hurt me anymore.

Remember how you felt from across the room 
When you realized someone had eyes for you 
And the way your heart sang cuz you believed 
You were worth something 

So come with me 
I’ll show you life 
Even better than this 
Come with me 
I’ll show you love 
You didn’t know could exist 
Better than your first crush 
Better than your first kiss 
I’ll show you how to live 
Oh, I’ll show you how to live 

Cuz I created your heart 
That makes you feel 
I am the love that makes it real 
Oh, I am the One, I’m the One, I’m the One 
I am the One, I’m the One, I’m the One

letter six

Dear father,

My heart is in pain right now. I know that he won’t come to you easily, and I know I might never hear from him on the day he does, but I still pray and I still have faith. I realize that my heart only hurts when I come to grips with the fact that a hope I had for Bryan and I is crushed. Can you help me stop getting my hopes up for the two of us ever being together again? I don’t need any of this anymore, I don’t want it. I want to be free from him, please father, set me free… I don’t want to hold on to someone who has already let me go. I never want to be a part of this cruel world again, I never want to give my heart away to anything but what you want. You are the only one who keeps your promises, you are the only one who won’t lie, and the only one who will never leave. You cherish me like nobody else… Please take any part of him left in my heart and fill all the empty spaces with love from you. I know that with you my heart will remain open to love and compassion, I don’t want to build any walls to get by this. I want to love more, cherish more, laugh more, smile more, be more and do more because of this.

I want to apologize to you. The person I’ve been is awful. I’ve learned about your love and your promises. I’ve learned everything about you my whole life, but because I knew you would always be there I never sought after you. I let myself be comfortable with the simple belief that I believed you were there and you would always love me. I never understood until now. When everyone told me that you wanted more than this for my life I never took it to heart. When they would talk about a personal relationship with you I always took it for granted, and considered it something that I could work on when I felt like it. Please forgive me… I’ve pushed you away for years. I’ve rejected you, I’ve denied you, I’ve ignored you and I’ve lied to myself. I don’t want to do that anymore. You’re alive in me, and I never understood any of what that meant until now. 

To feel alive, is to experience life in the most beautiful way possible. When you smile at the simple thought that everything, I mean everything, will be okay. When you’ve given up control of your life and you take complete comfort in knowing it’s in God’s hands. Putting it in the hands of someone who promises to take care of it. I’ve never been more alive… 

You’ve given all of this to me, though I’ve never done anything to deserve it. 

From the very bottom, and with every single beat from the heart you’ve given me, thank you. Thank you. :)

Your’s eternally,



-Today I will remember-

My mother having made me breakfast this morning. The service in church. Lunch at McDonalds with the kids and Heather. Taking them to the playground. Taking them to the car wash. Giving them their own room, and playroom. Being able to make a difference in Lexi and Damon’s lives. Getting ice cream with the kids. Taking them on a walk to the bridge and throwing rocks in the water. Spending time with my family. 

-A new beginning-

So today I started working with Damon. He is very quiet and keeps to himself. He needs a father influence in his life, one that cares and is willing to get involved with him, but he doesn’t have that right now. Lexi gets most of the attention while often times Damon goes unnoticed because he always seems so good. I’m cautious of that now, because if you look closely he might be being good but he is very sad and angry inside, he’s just not saying anything about it. 

Because he is so angry all the time I took him aside today. I told him Lexi and Heather got to go play on the playground while he and I stayed in the car and talked because he wasn’t being happy. He revealed a few things to me. I asked him if he felt like it was okay to be happy and he said no…

So I said no more everyone getting in trouble anymore, we are going to be kids from now on. If we make a mistake, it’s forgiven and forgotten about if there is a commitment for change. I made it a battle of good vs. evil for Damon. I told him nobody want’s to be a bad guy. Every time he lets his anger get the best of him he is letting the bad guy win, and that if he wanted to be a good guy he would control his anger and do a good thing instead of a bad thing so that the good guy wins. We have a handshake for every time he does it. :) He was so happy today after that, I saw something in him I haven’t seen since he moved in here, true joy in his eyes. 


favorite verse. ever.

I want to know why pain makes me stronger
I want to know why good men die
Why am I so afraid of the dark, but I stray from the light?
I want to know why You gave me eyes when faith is how I see
And tell me, is it easier to doubt or harder to believe?
Oh, there’s so many questions stirring in me

And I’m wondering why
Sometimes the truth ain’t easy to find
I want to know all the answers
But I’m learning that these things take time
Yeah, these things take time