My heart is in pain right now. I know that he won’t come to you easily, and I know I might never hear from him on the day he does, but I still pray and I still have faith. I realize that my heart only hurts when I come to grips with the fact that a hope I had for Bryan and I is crushed. Can you help me stop getting my hopes up for the two of us ever being together again? I don’t need any of this anymore, I don’t want it. I want to be free from him, please father, set me free… I don’t want to hold on to someone who has already let me go. I never want to be a part of this cruel world again, I never want to give my heart away to anything but what you want. You are the only one who keeps your promises, you are the only one who won’t lie, and the only one who will never leave. You cherish me like nobody else… Please take any part of him left in my heart and fill all the empty spaces with love from you. I know that with you my heart will remain open to love and compassion, I don’t want to build any walls to get by this. I want to love more, cherish more, laugh more, smile more, be more and do more because of this.
I want to apologize to you. The person I’ve been is awful. I’ve learned about your love and your promises. I’ve learned everything about you my whole life, but because I knew you would always be there I never sought after you. I let myself be comfortable with the simple belief that I believed you were there and you would always love me. I never understood until now. When everyone told me that you wanted more than this for my life I never took it to heart. When they would talk about a personal relationship with you I always took it for granted, and considered it something that I could work on when I felt like it. Please forgive me… I’ve pushed you away for years. I’ve rejected you, I’ve denied you, I’ve ignored you and I’ve lied to myself. I don’t want to do that anymore. You’re alive in me, and I never understood any of what that meant until now.
To feel alive, is to experience life in the most beautiful way possible. When you smile at the simple thought that everything, I mean everything, will be okay. When you’ve given up control of your life and you take complete comfort in knowing it’s in God’s hands. Putting it in the hands of someone who promises to take care of it. I’ve never been more alive…
You’ve given all of this to me, though I’ve never done anything to deserve it.
From the very bottom, and with every single beat from the heart you’ve given me, thank you. Thank you. :)